


If you wanted honesty that's all you had to say

by Alpha_Camolot



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Not in the way you think though, Self-Harm, THIS RIGHT HERE, scar reveal fic, trigger warning, will probably pop up again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 23:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8553715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alpha_Camolot/pseuds/Alpha_Camolot
Summary: Merlin doesn't think he's loved. We all know how wrong he is. This was longer than it was supposed to be actually.





	

**Author's Note:**

> One again this is your trigger warning. Sometimes when I'm looking for a story and I'll be like, Ooh looky such and such updated. Or favorite Author published a new story! I wonder if anybody sees my name and goes like that. le sigh. oh well. I wanted to publish a story on Halloween but never got around to it. I've been pretty busy lately but I want to get back to writing my stories. Anyway, I've been a bit down lately and was like, hey, I might as well try to do something with this right? I really like Author's notes because it's a way for the writer to connect with people all over the world, and let them know what you're thinking. Yea. that's all. So in the words of my friends, here's your daily dose of depression. Let's get it started.

_ Every day gets better. _

Or so they say. Merlin heaved a sigh and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. Big ears and willowy, pale limbs. 

Flat chest. Still the same guy. A guy. Which he was. He never minded too terribly. He never felt wrong in his own body. But more about his feelings. He had wondered before if he should have been a girl. He had decided long ago that would have been wrong too. His feelings would be okay but then his body would not. If only it were simple. How many more dark days until a bright tomorrow? Merlin turned the cold water and splashed his face  _ one, two, three _ times to get rid of any remaining tear traces.Not that anybody would see him anyway. The school was no doubt a ghost time by now.  He picked his backpack up from the floor of the campus bathroom and left. He fished his headphones out of his pack and then slung it over his shoulder. Headphones in. Pain out.  

Merlin walked across the grey campus to the greyer streets. Merlin looked up to the sky. _ Looks like it might rain _ . Just as the thought flashed through his mind lightning streaked across the sky, followed by the unmistakable rumble of falling barrels. Merlin cursed his luck! He broke into a sprint toward the train station and wished he had taken the ride Gwaine had offered. But of course, he would need to speak to Dr. Kilgharrah before he left. Then as he was leaving he just happened to see a young couple kissing passionately in the hall. While the display itself was quite disturbing, it was something beautiful. It was something he couldn’t have.Which of course led to him being triggered on a bathroom floor, which in turn led to the deed. He had promised himself too. Thunder exploded overhead, zapping him back to the present. Merlin cursed like a sailor but was completely drowned out by the downpour. He finally made it to the train station, just this side of drowned rat. Metaphorically of course, but wouldn’t it be nice? He scanned his card and ran to his platform,  _ just _ catching the last train before it took off. It was mostly empty, save an old lady talking to some random guy about how much she was aching and another young woman toward the end, for which Merlin was grateful. Fewer people to look optimistic in front of. Merlin put his headphones back in his ear which had fallen out during his mad dash to stay dry. Song perfectly matching his mood and the weather. As the train got closer to the city the sky lightened a bit. Here the rain was not a thunderstorm but a light rain. Merlin looked out the window. The storm was following them he told himself. It was a giant monster that was going to rip everything in it’s path to shreds. Merlin let his imagination run free. He was the great wizard Merlin from the legends and he was the one controlling the lightning. He was all powerful and no one could oppose his will. He continued to fantasize the and before he knew it he was at his stop. He got off the train and started making his way home. He didn’t have an umbrella, but it was just barely beginning to sprinkle so he didn’t really need one. Though he was walking at a relatively slow pace, his brain seemed to be racing as fast as a horse. Then all too soon he was outside of his and Arthur’s shared flat.  _ Arthur _ . Merlin’s heart squeezed painfully in his chest. There was always the chance that he had made it back before him? Arthur was always able to see through him. It’s why he always had to be so careful. To make sure his mask didn’t let his thoughts run across his face. He was being ridiculous and he knew it.  _ Just open the door _ . He walked in and immediately heard his name being called from the other room. Merlin bit his tongue to keep from cursing. Merlin slid his pack to the floor, stepped out of his shoes,and put his phone and keys on the table before turning to lock the door. He took off his jacket as he walked in the general direction he heard Arthur’s voice. He tossed it toward a nearby chair. It missed. Oh well. He would pick it up later. He found Arthur in their laundry room. Back turned to Merlin as he took clothes out of the dryer. Bareback, showing off the broad plain of skin that was tan and smooth. Merlin gulped down as much air he could and wondered what goddess out there he had angered to deserve this. Arthur was saying something.

“-so I said I’d ask you first if you wanted to go to the party and oH MY GOSH! You’re soaking!” Arthur exclaimed as he turned around, dropping his basket in the process. Merlin stood there stock still as Arthur took a towel and walked toward him. For a few precious seconds he was wrapped in Arthur’s embrace as Arthur encircled him with a large towel; still warm from the dryer. For a few seconds, he could breathe Arthur’s scent. Then Arthur was pulling away, looking at Merlin the way a mother would when she knew her child was lying. “Go hop in the shower before you get sick. In- and- out okay? Let me put this up real quick and I’ll make us some hot chocolate.” he said. The idea of a warm, chocolatey drink and Arthur’s company seemed like the perfect torture to such a day. Merlin nodded and went to his room, grabbing a change of clothes from his drawers. There was once a time when Arthur seemed like a cold, self-righteous bigot. Now Merlin knew that he was just trying to protect his warm heart and that Arthur could actually be very doting when he wanted to be. Merlin chuckled to himself quietly as he closed the bathroom door. The hot water did him a world of good. Unloading all the stress that had been building since this morning. He washed, careful of his wrists, and got out. He came out of the bathroom, using his towel to dry his hair. “Arthur?” he called as he left out of his room.

“Kitchen!” came the reply from down the hall. Merlin noticed that his jacket was now laying nicely across the back of the chair. Merlin smiled to himself and walked in the kitchen. Arthur, who was now wearing a shirt, was apparently putting the final touches on his own mug. Extra chocolate with just a tiny bit of cinnamon for him and peppermint for Arthur. It fitted them well he would say if anybody ever asked. Peppermint. Strong and bold and demanding. Just like his king. Merlin smiled to himself.

“What’s so funny?” Arthur asked. 

“Nothing. Just remembered something from earlier.” Merlin said lips still curved at the thought of what Arthur’s reaction would be if he knew he had just been compared to a piece of candy. Arthur shrugged it off, probably playing it down to Merlin being Merlin, and slid him his mug. They walked over to the sofa, both of them leaning back against an armrest and feet intertwined in the middle. Talking about their days, and weird things they saw today, and just things in general that people often took for granted. Merlin loved these moments. He liked to indulge himself sometimes and tell himself that this is what it would be like if they were together. Something that was obtainable. Arthur threw his head back in a laugh. This wasn’t his polite laugh, but one of his full body laughs. The rare ones when he would snort a few times and his eyes were lit up like thousands of stars. Merlin didn’t think he ever looked more perfect than he did in these little moments of theirs. They laughed and talked for who knows how long. Merlin could stay like this forever. Until at last Arthur started to get up.

“It’s getting kind of late. We should head to bed soon,” he explained. The last of this moment was drawing near and Merlin wasn’t ready for that yet.

“It can’t be that late,” Merlin said, hoping he didn’t sound desperate. 

“Look how dark it is outside though,” Arthur responded, and it was true. It looked as if midnight had swallowed them whole.

“Well what time is i-” Suddenly a clap of thunder exploded so loud and so forcefully that Arthur dropped his mug. 

“Shoot!” he said as he bent down to pick up some of the bigger shards. Merlin reached over to the table to put his own mug down, so he could help from his place on the couch. “Merlin don’t! I’ve got this.” Arthur said.

“It’s okay, Merlin said as he continued reached for the pieces, I can-”. A cry was ripped from Merlin’s throat as Arthur grabbed his wrist. It wasn’t even that hard, yet it was so sudden, so unexpected that Merlin couldn’t keep the noise repressed. Arthur dropped his wrists like it was burning him. 

“Merlin?” he asked and uh-oh. This was bad. Glass temporarily forgotten, Arthur was staring intently at Merlin and _ fuck _ . 

“It’s nothing, I fell today and sprained it a little. You know me, always clumsy.” Merlin said. He was rambling a bit.  _ Reel it in!  _ He told himself. Yet Arthur wasn’t letting it drop.

“You might have bruised it. Let me see it,” he asked.  _ Triple holy double fuck. _

“NO! I mean, uh no, it’s not bruised and you know I got it checked earlier and it’s alright.” Merlin internally cursed himself. If Arthur’s red flags weren’t up before they most definitely were up now.  _ Time to go. _

“Merlin,” Arthur said slowly in that low voice of his. A cold shot of fear traveled up Merlin’s spine. That voice was never good news. Merlin stood up, making sure there was distance between him and Arthur, and started backing up toward his room. Arthur’s eyes were tracking him like a lion, until he too, slowly rose to his feet.  _ Run. _ Merlin made it a great total of 6 feet before Arthur jumped over the couch and tackled him. _ No. This isn’t how you were supposed to find out. You weren't supposed to find out at all. _ Arthur flipped Merlin so that he was laying on his back before gently pinning his hands above his head.

“Merlin?” he asked, confusion evident in his voice. Merlin continued to buck and squirm his way free, but alas it was no good. He could feel his eyes start to well, as he finally stopped fighting. Arthur gently pulled the sleeve of Merlin’s shirt up and Merlin heard him take a  _ very _ sharp intake of breath. With even more care than before, he pulled the other sleeve up as well, to expose his other wrist. For what felt like an eternity they stayed just like that. Merlin unable to look at Arthur and Arthur not saying anything. Finally after what felt like thousands of years Arthur spoke up.

“Why?” he whispered out, voice so heavily filled with hurt, it was almost unbearable. Merlin’s mind was racing at a million miles an hour. Anything to put Arthur at ease. Then he looked up. Up into Arthur’s beautiful blue eyes that were also filled with tears.  _ He deserves to know the truth. _ Merlin braced himself. This would not be easy. 

“I’m sorry,” Merlin whispered. Arthur immediately pulled Merlin up and into his arms. 

“No, I’M sorry, I should have realized. I love you so much, Merlin.” Arthur said. And with those words, Merlin broke.

“I-I wanted to tell you! E-e very time there was s-something in the way! O-or I lost my nerve. I was getting help. I-I made it two months! W-well today would have been two months if I d-d-didn’t. B-but what I mean is.” Merlin stuttered out.

“Sssh. Hush Merlin. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.” Arthur said, while rubbing large circles over Merlin’s back. It really did work wonders as it helped him to relax. Merlin could tell that there were things that Arthur wanted to ask, but he didn’t push it. Merlin was glad that he didn’t.Finally, Merlin had calmed down enough to form coherent sentences.    
“I’m better now.” he said.

“Good. Okay, uh, good” Arthur responded. Merlin thought that they extra effort Arthur was taking would have been sweet or funny in any other given situation. As it stood, however…

Merlin looked at Arthur. Mouth, opening and closing like a fish’s. What could he say? What would make Arthur understand, and not hate him? The thought of Arthur rejecting him was a very real possibility and was nearly causing him to start panicking again. Merlin opened his mouth to say something when the lights abruptly cut off. Both of them jumped a little bit. Arthur stood up and Merlin welcomed the distraction. Instead of sitting there, Merlin navigated the darkness with ease, easily knowing how to get back to his room. Merlin pushed the door up but didn’t close it, knowing Arthur would be in there soon. Merlin looked at his window where the water was falling against it. He took a few steadying breaths. It was time for truth. Arthur came a few minutes later, lit candle in his hands. This was not getting any easier. He knocked a few times, pointlessly, before pushing the door open and stepping inside. Arthur placed the candle on Merlin’s desk, careful to make sure that it wouldn’t knock over or catch onto anything. He then walked over and sat down on the bed beside Merlin. Merlin was sitting on the bed with his knees brought up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them.He rested his chin atop of his legs and Arthur gave him a moment to collect his thoughts. Merlin hid his face in the gap between his arms and legs. Almost like he was hiding or putting up a shield. Finally, he said something.

“Two years. Two years, eleven months, 3 weeks, 14 hours. That’s how long this battle has been going on.” he said. His voice was small, almost as if saying these things he kept close to his heart any louder would cause all his secrets to be ripped away from him. “I could have stopped it. Long ago if I wanted to.But I didn’t. At first, it wasn’t so bad. A fleeting thought here, a longing there. Then it got worse. I started thinking, _ what if? What if? _ Thoughts weren’t enough. I got greedy and I wanted more. I wanted to touch and to feel. The only thing was I was looking in all the wrong places. Then it got to the point where I was so focused on this one thing I couldn’t see sight of anything else. So, I tried getting help. I talked to a counselor. Gaius, was his name. He tried to tell me that everything was alright and I was normal and that I had nothing to be ashamed of. He didn’t understand, though. Nobody did.” Merlin took a long, shuddering breath here. “And that’s when I discovered cutting. Not that I didn’t know it was out there, cause I did, it’s just that I never tried it. It was an accident really, the first time. I cut it against a sharp counter. But then when I was washing the blood off, my brain got to thinking again,  _ what if? What if?  _ I felt like I finally had control over something. Nobody could stop me or judge me or anything.” Merlin took another break here. It was clear that this was getting harder and harder for him. “Then it took control back. It was like something I couldn’t help. If anything happened the first thing I did was reach for my wallet because I kept a mini blade in there. I thought I was doing better,I _ was  _ doing better. And then-” Merlin took in a large gulp of air here. He stayed quiet for a really long time. It was clear he was reliving something very painful. “-something happened. Something that shook me so bad I couldn’t help myself. Only thing was, it was too much blood. It wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop bleeding. If my mother hadn’t come home early. If she didn’t find me.” There was another break here. “Let’s just say that it was a good thing she found me. I made a promise to myself that day.” Merlin looked up at last and found Arthur’s eyes. Both of them were crying and the only thing that mattered right then was the other person. It was a cliche somewhere and yet that didn’t matter to them right now. “Do you want to know what that promise was?” Merlin asked, while leaning in a bit. Arthur stared dumbly at Merlin for a moment before nodding.

“Tell me.” he said, while leaning in closer.

“I told myself that I would stop. That I would fight for the one I love and live for them.” Merlin said, a hares breath away. Something in Arthur’s chest squeezed at such a declaration. He couldn’t help but ask this question.

“And who, Merlin, are you living for?”. Merlin smiled a small little smile.

“You.” he whispered before sealing their lips together in a kiss. It was fireworks and flashing swords and triumph and longing all in one. Merlin pulled away so that he could look at Arthur’s face. Arthur ever so slowly opened his eyes as well. Merlin bit hips lip. Maybe he had read the signs wrong and Arthur didn’t want that. But then Arthur reached one hand to the back of his neck and the other to one of his wrists. He guided Merlin’s wrist to his lips and gave it a butterfly light kiss. “I am in love with you, Arthur Pendragon.” Merlin whispered into the stillness between them. Arthur’s eyes lit up like glory. A smile ran across his face.

“And I, my dear Merlin, love you.”. Arthur captured Merlin’s lips again and Merlin finally began to believe that if you hang on, things will get better.


End file.
